The Link Between People Pleasing and Anxiety - Genesis Counseling of South Tampa

It’s likely that you’ve heard the term “people pleasing” before but did you know that it closely relates to anxiety? Sometimes people pleasing is a result of anxiety, but the unfortunate truth is that it can also create more anxiety. If you find yourself struggling with repeatedly meeting the needs of others while being at odds with your own self-interest, it might be time to learn more about anxiety and people pleasing. Keep reading to understand more about the habit of people pleasing, how it fuels and is fueled by anxiety, and how to start making changes to stop people pleasing.

What is “People Pleasing?”

People pleasing is a pattern of behavior where a person finds themselves placing a higher level of importance on the needs, wants, and acceptance of others. This is nearly always done at the expense of the “people pleaser” who often is left depleted of the energy, time, and resources to tend to themselves after focusing on everyone else. Some examples of people pleasing might be:

Apologizing when nothing is your fault and you haven’t done anything
Pretending you like a restaurant because your friends all like it
Agreeing to attend an event that you won’t enjoy to avoid disappointing someone
Not speaking up or advocating for yourself in order to “keep the peace”
Doing more work than is expected of you to gain acceptance or approval
Giving far more than you receive in all of your relationships
Allowing people to take advantage of you in order to be liked
Neglecting your self-care and personal time to be of assistance to others

This list isn’t exhaustive and it’s important to know that just because you’ve engaged in a behavior, it doesn’t mean you’re constantly people pleasing. However, if you tend to spend lots of time worrying about what others think about you, and find yourself frequently overextending yourself to cater to others, you might very well be in people pleaser territory. The good news is that this is something you can grow out of! By learning to set boundaries, cope with anxiety, and prioritize your own well-being.

The Cycle of Anxiety and People Pleasing

Anxiety and people pleasing are the ultimate frienemies. You’ll often find them together, but they aren’t good for each other even though they feed off each other. People tend to default to people pleasing as a coping mechanism for anxiety. Whether it’s the short-term gratification of praise after meeting a need, or the perceived sense of security that comes with blending into the crowd, it’s a slippery slope once you start seeking the approval of others based on your actions. While people pleasing can give you temporary feelings of validation, belonging, and peace, eventually the fear of losing those feelings creeps in and fuels more people pleasing behavior. The result? A reduced sense of self, a lack of authentic connection, and a depleted energy bank for meeting your own needs and desires. It doesn’t have to be this way though! For support with the anxiety that leads to and comes from people pleasing, anxiety counseling at Genesis Counseling of South Tampa is available.

How Boundaries Help Prevent People Pleasing

Now that we’ve covered people pleasing and how it develops into a cycle, let’s discuss some ways to start moving away from people pleasing behaviors! Setting boundaries with yourself and others is a key component of preventing people pleasing. This can be difficult at first if the people around you have come to expect your “easygoing” nature. But it’s important to remember that people who are your true supporters will be glad to make space for you to live more authentically, even if that means you offer a new alternative to that restaurant you hate for the next happy hour date with the girls. Here are a few examples of ways to set some boundaries and prevent people pleasing:

Tell your colleagues that you are no longer available to discuss work outside of working hours. Although you can’t control if they still try to reach out, you CAN control whether or not you check and respond to their communications.
Remind yourself that you won’t be apologizing just because a moment is uncomfortable if you haven’t done anything wrong.

For more insight into the benefits of boundaries and how to use them to combat people pleasing, check out another one of our blogs, What are Boundaries and Why are They Important?

Putting a Stop to People Pleasing

As you get more comfortable setting boundaries, you’ll find that those who love and support you will continue to do so even when you’re not exhausting yourself trying to anticipate everyone else’s needs. You’ll likely also find that you are able to show up for the people you love when you want to with more energy and care because you’ve started devoting time to caring for yourself and replenishing your energy too. Before we close, here are a few scenarios to remember in the future that should help you avoid falling back into old people pleasing habits.

Offer an alternative suggestion to hang out when someone invites you to something you’re not interested in. Try saying, “I’m so sorry, I won’t be able to make that but I definitely still want to hang out with you. Do you want to meet for coffee the day after so I can hear all about it?”
When someone asks you to volunteer your time and you have something else scheduled already, instead of rearranging your schedule or canceling something for yourself, simply say, “I’m not available then but I’d still like to help. I’m available at X time, is there anything you need then?”

If you notice, quitting people pleasing doesn’t mean that you stop caring about things, helping when you want to, or being present. It does, however, mean that you don’t say yes unless you want to, and you’ve properly tended to yourself first. If you know the gym boosts your mood and helps you feel good, don’t skip it to do something for someone else. Make sense?

If you’re seeking professional help with people pleasing, counseling is a great place to start. Having a supportive and unbiased third party is so useful for gaining new tools and developing new skills to help you live more authentically with less need to people please. Feel free to contact us at Genesis Counseling of South Tampa with any questions or to book an appointment.