Identifying and Overcoming Shame

Most of us have heard the word shame when referring to emotions, and just as many of us have likely experienced shame also. What fewer people realize, however, is that a variety of negative emotions stem from shame. Sometimes when we respond with anger, feel anxious, or judge someone else, those feelings are actually coming from a place of shame. If you’d like to learn a few ways to identify shame, including when it’s at the root of other behaviors, please keep reading. We’ll also discuss some effective ways of overcoming shame so that you can experience less of its negative consequences.

 

What is shame?

 

Shame is a powerful emotion that is generally considered to be a negative emotion. This is partially because it can induce other negative feelings or behaviors however, shame doesn’t always have to be a negative thing. Sometimes shame is just information and the way we move forward with that information can turn a situation into a negative or a positive.

 

What does shame feel like in the mind and body?

 

Shame can be experienced in different ways for everybody but there are some common feelings that you might notice in your body when experiencing shame. In order to arrive at a place of overcoming shame, you must first be able to identify its presence. You might notice:

 

  • Flushing of the face or body
  • Increased heart rate
  • Rapid breathing
  • Sweating
  • Defensive physical stance
  • Difficulty speaking
  • Feeling small or wanting to shrink
  • Desire to hide

 

In the mind, shame is reflected frequently in negative self-talk. Other mental experiences of shame may include:

 

  • Rumination
  • Pessimistic thinking
  • Low self-esteem
  • Self-consciousness
  • Detachment
  • Avoidance
  • Cognitive distortions
  • Hypercritical thinking

 

Although there can be other reasons for many of these experiences, noticing and questioning these feelings can help identify shame before it pushes us to engage in destructive behaviors. Another great indicator when identifying shame is noticing whether or not the feelings increase in the presence of other people. Although feeling shame while alone is common, the concern of being exposed or “found out” by others often sounds the alarm bells when other people are around.

 

Why do we experience shame?

 

We experience shame for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it’s the result of behaviors that only involve ourselves. Other times it can be present in a relationship dynamic. For example, in our blog on Coping with Infidelity in a Relationship, we discuss how difficult it can be to disclose infidelity in your relationship whether it’s to your partner or to friends and loved ones. As mentioned above, shame is really just information. Shame, although frequently misguided is usually just trying to protect us. It regulates our behavior and “keeps us in line” so to speak. The issue with shame begins when we begin to perceive the world through its lens. It becomes very difficult to move authentically or see the world authentically when we allow shame to color our experiences.

 

How do we overcome shame?

 

Once you’ve taken the steps to identify shame, one of the simplest things you can do is offer yourself compassion. Although being kind to yourself may feel counterintuitive with shame screaming in your ear, it’s actually one of the most effective ways to quiet it. At first, it may be helpful to imagine yourself as a friend or to imagine a younger version of yourself. How much more love and kindness would you be able to extend to a small child or dear friend if you knew they were suffering as you are? Why then, would you withhold that kindness and understanding from yourself?

 

Once you’ve learned to calm yourself down a bit with compassion, begin to interrogate your shame. Over time, you will learn to challenge the negative thoughts in your mind and you may be surprised at your ability to debunk them. The more you challenge what your shame tells you, the less power it has.

 

Sometimes, especially when getting started, we need the support of a therapist or a life coach. Having an unbiased third party help you challenge cognitive distortions and negative perceptions can be an extremely powerful tool for navigating and releasing shame.

 

Finally, remember that what we do is not always who we are. While it is important to be accountable for your actions, it is just as important to remember that you are a human being who sometimes makes mistakes. The way we move forward after a mistake says far more about our character than the mistake we made. There is much less room for shame when we accept responsibility for our behavior and consistently try to become better each day.

 

How does unresolved shame affect us?

 

Identifying and releasing shame is an important skill for our emotional well-being because harboring shame can cause many long-term consequences mentally, socially, and physically. Unresolved shame can manifest as physical and mental illness, poor coping skills, strained relationships, and negative self-image. For this reason, it is important to do the work of understanding and releasing shame so that we can move forward in our lives with self-compassion and grace.

 

If you’re struggling with shame and its effects on your life, please know that you do not have to work through it alone. Support is available and we’d be happy to help. Please feel free to contact us at Genesis Counseling of South Tampa to schedule an appointment.

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