Hard Conversations to Have Before Marriage
As exciting as the step of marriage is in a relationship, it generally doesn’t arrive without a good bit of work before and after. While society tends to romanticize certain aspects of love, romance, and lifelong partnerships, once you’re “in it,” you often realize just how much work and communication are required to sustain a happy, healthy relationship even before marriage. If you’re ready to take the next steps of engagement and marriage in your relationship, the professionals here at Genesis Counseling of South Tampa highly recommend both premarital and marriage counseling for all couples. Despite the common stigma, marriage and couples counseling are not only for couples whose relationships are in trouble. In fact, one of the benefits of premarital counseling is to work through common issues and differences that might otherwise cause unnecessary trouble and concern later in the relationship if not addressed before beginning life together as a married couple. Here we’ve compiled a list of common hot topics that every couple considering marriage should discuss in depth in order to deeply evaluate compatibility, commitment, and any additional needed work prior to getting married.
Financial habits
Like it or not, money matters. Financial stress can absolutely break a relationship, as it determines our ability to live. In dire situations, it affects our ability to survive. Transparent conversations about debt, spending habits, savings skills, investments, and all other aspects of finances are imperative to make sure ideologies are aligned or compromises can be made in places of difference. This is a good time to discuss things like a prenuptial agreement, whether or not you plan to combine finances, how each spouse will financially contribute to the relationship, and what preparing for emergencies and the future looks like together. These conversations should also consider individual traits and skills. Financial literacy is a learned skill, and not everyone enters a relationship with the same aptitude. Ask yourselves, are finances going to be a shared task, or is one spouse going to manage them? If one spouse handles the finances, how will you maintain transparency, autonomy, and a feeling of stability for the partner who is less involved? This touchy topic doesn’t have to be addressed alone. The help of a financial advisor and a mental health professional is a healthy and advised avenue for support.
Conflict resolution and communication
One certainty in life is the need to communicate. Even the best communicators can find themselves struggling to reach another person when heavy emotions are involved. Relationships, especially intimate ones like marriage, often act as both mirrors and triggers. When old, wounded parts of ourselves show up, it’s common for our calm and collected communication skills to feel like they’ve flown out the window. Prepare ahead of time by discussing what heavy conflict looks like for each of you. Do you need to take a break and come back? If one partner struggles with abandonment, and another needs to step away and regroup, you might be able to imagine how that could play out if it’s not identified ahead of time. Having a professional guide you through different scenarios where you decide together how you’d like to respond can be incredibly helpful in reducing harm in ways that could potentially save your relationship during heated moments.
Define relationship parameters
If you haven’t already defined your relationship parameters and explored deal breakers, this is an absolute must before marriage. It’s important to understand that even labels like “monogamous” are not one-size-fits-all. If each partner has a different idea of what “cheating” is, or how to interact with a person outside of the relationship, that sets you up for trouble when those moments reveal themselves. Deal-breaker behaviors should be discussed, including boundaries and appropriate behavior when together or apart from one another. While relationship parameters can always be reevaluated and evolve over time, it’s important to have a baseline understanding of each partner’s wishes and boundaries before entering into a marriage to ensure that each person’s idea of the union is aligned.
Family expansion and involvement
If you’ve made it to marriage discussions, it’s important to also discuss what family planning looks like for you and your partner. Are you both in agreement on whether or not you’d like to parent? If so, are you interested in being biological parents or open to adoption? As your family ages, is becoming a caretaker for an aging parent or aunt/uncle a possibility? If so, what does this look like? Ask yourself what holidays and special events look like. Do you plan to alternate holidays at the in-laws? Would you prefer to host both sides of the family at your home? Do you have an open-door policy with your family, or do you prefer planned visits with more privacy? It’s important to take each person’s former family dynamics into consideration and discuss together which aspects you’d like to bring into the marriage vs what you’d like to change together. With a subject as sensitive and meaningful as family, a professional approach during premarital counseling can reduce a lot of friction and encourage productive planning and dialogue.
While this list is certainly not exhaustive, it’s a good starting point for couples who are looking to seriously measure their compatibility for a commitment such as marriage. For more insight, check out our blog, 3 Benefits of Premarital Counseling. If you’re feeling overwhelmed while trying to navigate these conversations, know that it’s very common for couples to seek help during this process. If you’d like to learn more about premarital counseling in Tampa with Genesis Counseling of South Tampa, please reach out to us. We’d love to help you move through these important discussions as you prepare to begin a new chapter in your relationship.
